Valentines Couple

Five Great Questions to Ask Your Spouse

By Rex Allison, LPC

This month provides a great opportunity for couples to reflect on their relationship and brush up on communication skills. As the seasons in our lives ebb and flow and couples are faced with transitions and challenges (be they big or small), there are many opportunities to address and fine-tune communication skills. In fact, it’s an ongoing skill we need in all of our relationships.

Therapist Rex Allison said: 

One of the major factors or keys to a healthy marriage/relationship is the level of emotional connectedness. This can and is fostered around several aspects, just one of those being communication. Open, loving communication helps spouses feel safe, secure, and significant. So often we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives we forget to connect emotionally with our spouses.

Psychology Today adds this perspective: 

Communication is the cornerstone of successful relationships, either professional or private, as the way to share information and agree on future actions. More than just communicating on facts, it is important to indicate emotional states to our relatives to ensure long-lasting connections, using verbal and non-verbal cues and signals.

So how can you and your significant other build on this cornerstone? 

Tips for Good Communication

As with any important meeting or even setting a goal, a little preparation goes a long way. The same is true with good communication. For instance, the setting is important for a successful conversation. Distractions should be removed or minimized and there should be an expectation of focus. One spouse may be impatient to broach a topic and feel the freedom to interrupt the other person’s activities. If you want your partner to be in a good headspace for the conversation, interrupting can show that you don’t value their time. Instead, try giving your partner a head’s up that there are some things you’d like to discuss.

Additionally, a regular scheduled meeting for reviewing upcoming events and other minor issues can help provide a dependable space to connect.

Whether the conversation ranges from covering the mundane, to diving into deeper heart issues, remember to employ good listening techniques. Actively listen, repeat back what your spouse has said, ask clarifying questions, and limit interruptions. You are not putting each other on trial, you’re on the same team.

Five Questions to Ask Your Spouse or Significant Other

When the setting and issues at hand lend themselves to more reflective communication, here are some questions to help ease you into conversation. Feel free to tailor them to your own relationship needs.

  • How can I pray for you?

  • Tell me something I’ve done lately that’s been helpful for you, and something that I could adjust or do differently for you.

  • What do you wish people would ask you about in day-to-day conversation?

  • What’s a big dream you have for us in the future?

  • What values do we want our children to have? Would they see those values in our own lives currently?

Scriptures to Pray

Praying for your spouse and your relationship can yield greater rewards than ones you may reap in the moment. God can intervene and work on their hearts in ways that we can’t even imagine. Here are three powerful verses you can pray for your spouse or significant other.

That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16–19

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Phil. 1:6)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” (Prov. 3:5)

When Conversation is Hard

Perhaps the thought of this type of conversation sounds daunting or downright impossible. Sometimes you may find there is a need for deeper heart work or you may feel ill-equipped to handle conflict and broach difficult subjects. Rest assured that you are not alone, and there is help for you. Reaching out to a Christian counselor is a great option for many couples. You don’t have to be in “deep waters” to incorporate counseling into your relationship, though of course if you are in deep waters, for sure reach out. 

Our counselors here at Morning Light Christian Counseling are ready and able to help you and your spouse work through tough issues and gain crucial communication skills.

About the Author

Rex Allison holds a Master of Arts in Professional Counseling from Liberty University and is currently completing his Doctor of Counseling from Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. He has training in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Motivational Interviewing, Family Systems Therapy and Treating Sexual Addiction.

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